I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
