Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She tied me up with her honor cords...
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As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
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It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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