why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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