i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
