I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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