You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
