If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
