I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
