you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
