took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
