glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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