im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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