It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
