Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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