I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
