you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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