Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I should be sponsored by Trojan
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
