I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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