how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
