It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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