i already hear my dad disowning me
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
