Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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