I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dating After Heartbreak
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work