You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I need to calm my uterus...
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
