Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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