There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
