I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
