hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
