No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
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I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
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lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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