$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
