I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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