hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Randomize
