are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
