Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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