We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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