ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize