Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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