What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
