Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
