Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off