it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
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The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here