Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she told me i tasted like america
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
