I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
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It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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