cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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