Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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