no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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