I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
