I am in a vortex of obligation.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
