I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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