apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
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No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
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I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize