so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Girls should come with a carfax report
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
