Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
