When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
well you can't waste a boner
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Randomize
