I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
