I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.