At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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