he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
