you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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