Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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