its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
