I wish I only lived at night.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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