i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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